


Resfeber

by orphan_account



Series: the beautiful and the profound (words) [13]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Depression, Friends to Lovers, Hospital, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Light Smut, M/M, Rough Sex, adrenaline junkie josh kinda i guess idk, brief mention of dustin lol, i hate tagging things!!!!!!!!!, idk josh likes pain bc it makes him feel alive but tyler is trying to help, this is softer than im making it seem, ways to feel alive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2019-02-06 07:02:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12812199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: (n.) the restless race of a traveler’s heart before the journey begins; the tangeled feeling of fear and excitement before a journey starts.you never really feel more alive than when you’re dying...





	Resfeber

**Author's Note:**

> what up im jorgie im 20 and i never learned how to write good stories.
> 
> and the first half of this fic has been sat in my notes for like a year genuinely why idk???? also i literally finished this instead of writing an essay so like its probably shit idk what im doing anyways enjoy!!

You never really feel more alive than when you're dying.

Josh had never considered himself to be dead inside, but now he was slowly losing consciousness he had never felt more alive. His whole face throbbing and swollen, blood coating his teeth as he took short breaths that sent sharp pain slicing up his ribs.

He woke up to a hand in his but he couldn't open his eyes, they felt like they were swollen shut. He heard the telling beeping and smelt the excessive bleach and knew he was in hospital before he could even acknowledge the itching wires or the too tight sheets or the fierce pounding in his bones. Like he was standing next to the speakers at a concert while the band played a song heavily reliant on the kick drum.

He squeezed the hand in his, like a squeaky toy, to see what sound it would make so he could know who was there. But he knew regardless.

"Josh?" They sounded gravely, like they'd just woken from sleep.

Josh tried to speak but he found there was a tube shoved down his throat and he choked around it.

There was a sobbed out cry for help as Josh almost passed out from pain and suffocation before the tube was being eased out of his mouth and soothing hands were rubbing his back and coaxing him to lie back down.

He fell asleep again, but when he woke the hand was still in his and his eyes felt safer to open, so he did.

One was still swollen half shut but the other opened fully, his eyelids sore.

"Josh?" the voice was small and hesitant but brown eyes found bloodshot hazel.

"I'm sorry." The words took immense effort and barely came out but immediately Tyler was hugging him carefully, sobbing into his chest and Josh couldn't stop crying either.

"Josh what were you doing?!" Tyler sounds exasperated, like he can't understand how this is really happening.

Josh stays silent, stops looking in Tyler's direction and Tyler doesn't push it, returning to his seat beside the bed, taking his hand and then waiting. Like the scene will reset and Josh will wake up again and the cycle will repeat as many times as it has to until he'll confess the truth.

When Josh thinks Tyler has fallen asleep he whispers out.

"Just wanted to feel something."

When he's out the hospital Tyler won't leave his side, he practically moves in to Josh's apartment, Dustin wants nothing to do with it he's disappeared to some girls place but her name seems to change every week.

They lay on Josh's bed, it got dark hours ago but neither one moves, lay face to face, legs tangled while Josh lets slow tears fall across his nose and soak into his baby blue bedsheets. Theres only the light of the moon illuminating the room and Josh finds comfort in the blue darkness, in the cool air and his soft bed and the way Tyler is close enough to remind him he's there but still enough that if he wants he can pretend he's alone.

He breaks down with another choked out "sorry." and Tyler moves then, shifts closer so that Josh is crying against the crook of his neck. Wet lashes painting tears across tan skin, heavy fists wound tight into the text of his 'Grouplove' hoodie. He'd been wearing that hoodie the day they met.

"I'm so scared." He whispers between heavy sniffs and hiccups, breath shuddering as he fails to take in enough air. His whole body trembles under Tyler's soothing hands, drifting up and down his back, fingertips dancing across his spine in that way that he flourishes his hands when he plays piano.

"There's no need to be, I'm right here." Tyler promises, lifting his chin to place a kiss to Josh's temple before he rocks him lightly. Waiting for Josh to exhaust himself crying until he finally falls asleep in Tyler's arms just like every night this week.

The sixth night in a row of soft sobs and whispered apologies swallowed up by Tyler's clothes in the dark, is when Tyler finally breaks the routine.

"Josh what's wrong? I can't watch you hurting like this anymore, tell me what to do."

Josh shakes his head and burrows into Tyler's shoulder like he can hide from the words sitting on his chest and looming down over him. The silence rings out around them making the darkness of the room sit heavier over where they lay.

“Josh why did you do it?” Tyler ask cautiously voice timid, cautious.

Josh hesitates, a tear falls down his cheek he didn’t even know was there and he hides his face harder. “Wanted to feel alive.”

The words hang as Tyler processes them, Josh’s fingers squeeze at his sleeve as he tries to swallow potential sobs. Slowly Tyler turns to draw him impossibly closer, wrapping his arms around him and rubbing his back like every night before. Just as Josh is about to drift to sleep he feels soft lips brush his forehead and a soft “I’m sorry” hummed against his skin that makes his whole spine tingle.

The next morning soft fingers are carding through his hair, coaxing him to open his eyes. His nose twitches and Tyler’s breath hitches at the sight but Josh is too sleepy to notice.

“Josh, wake up or we’re gonna be late!” Tyler whispers excitedly in his ear and he blinks open his eyes, brow scrunched in confusion.

“What?”

“Good morning sleepyhead.” Tyler smiles, it’s too warm it has Josh’s whole face heating up. Tyler’s hand is still in his hair and the heat rises again. “Get dressed I have a surprise for you.” Tyler says before finally moving away, Josh feels cold now he’s gone but with a groan he forces himself to move, clicking his aching bones as he stretches and sits up.

The car ride is long and Tyler plays Josh’s favourite music, forcing them to sing along loud and obnoxiously and it has Josh smiling which is all Tyler wanted. When they finally reach their destination Josh is confused.

“I thought you needed to get away for a bit.” Tyler says as he pulls a suitcase he’s already packed for Josh out of the trunk.

“What?” Is all Josh can say as he chases Tyler into the sleek expensive looking beach house.

Josh doesn’t even have time to process what’s going on as Tyler’s already pulling him back out of the house and into the car and taking him somewhere else.

The week if filled with intense activities, they start with a rock climbing class followed by the real thing further down the beach, climbing the cliffs until there’s nothing left to do but jump off and start again. Josh’s head rushes and his stomach bottoms out as his heart beats a mile a minute but wow does it feel like waking up when he’s falling head first into the ocean.

Then Tyler takes him swimming with sharks, and they race jet skis and learn to surf and go running along the beach every sunrise and dine on the balcony of their beach house every night and Josh knows Tyler’s doing a lot of it just for him, maybe not the climbing but the jogging and the sharks are definitely not Tyler’s usual interests.

The sea breeze is so refreshing and Josh feels warm inside and he can’t remember why he stopped feeling things.

Tyler hands Josh a beer as he joins him on the balcony to watch the sunset, he’s holding a red bull to no one’s surprise and Josh looks at the beer in his hand for a long time not taking a sip.

“Is something wrong?” Tyler asks when he notices Josh hasn’t moved.

“I just decided i don’t wanna drink anymore.” Josh shrugs before going back inside and tipping it down the sink, Tyler watches from outside in awe before Josh returns with a red bull instead.

Josh laughs and Tyler can’t help but copy.

“Thank you for this trip, you didn’t have to do this for me.” Josh stares at the sunset bashfully. Tyler smiles softly but his eyes are glued to Josh.

“I wanted to show you that it’s worth it to stay alive Josh. You’re alive okay? And I care about you i don’t want you to ever forget that.” Tyler swallows hard then, his red bull finished and the can tossed aside to clean up later. He leans his arm on the balcony body still facing Josh but he turns to watch the sunset too.

Josh shifts closer, putting his own can down on the wooden balcony ledge, both hands braced against the railing, his left hand slides over Tyler’s as he leans right up into his space but Tyler doesn’t move beyond placing his free hand on the small of Josh’s back. Comforting Josh is a natural instinct, letting Josh draw warmth and safety and this closeness is natural for them especially over the past few weeks and Tyler thinks nothing of it because he gives but never expects there’s anything for him to take except the feeling of knowing Josh is safe and feels it.

Josh’s voice is so quiet Tyler almost doesn’t hear it over the sound of the ocean in front of them. “Maybe I should’nt’ve thrown away that beer.” He mumbles and Tyler turns his head with a “huh?” already escaping his lips.

But Josh lifts his chin and immediately connects their lips and Tyler eyes go wide for a second before they’re fluttering shut and his hands are pulling Josh round to face him, fingers threading through hair and Tyler’s tongue brushes over Josh’s own in a way that makes him shudder with excitement. His whole body feels like it’s on fire and Josh let’s Tyler press him back into the balcony railing, kissing until their lips are swollen and there’s fingerprint bruises on Tyler’s bicep from where Josh is holding on for dear life, to him, to the moment.

Panting hard, foreheads pressed together Josh smiles the widest he has in as long as Tyler can remember and his heart stutters in his chest.

“I love you.” Josh pants out and for a second he winces because maybe that’s a little intense for a first kiss conversation but the words have been sitting there in his heart since he met Tyler and he has to make sure he understands.

Tyler’s hands cup Josh’s face pulling their lips together softly this time, sticking slightly from the sudden dryness in both of their mouths.

“I love you too.” Tyler says slowly letting Josh hug him tight. Josh sobs then, overwhelmed and Tyler soothes him, hands stroking gentle safe patterns into his skin.

"i-i just f-felt so alone. i thought n-no one was ever going to love me." He sobs out into Tyler’s chest and Tyler holds him tighter practically growling against such horrible words.

“I would never let that happen to you. You’re so loved Josh, you’re so so loved.” He promises pressing lingering kisses to Josh’s temple, forehead and hairline.

Josh is quick to calm down with Tyler there and he wastes no time in reconnecting their lips.

“I love you.” Tyler says between heavy kisses and Josh smiles so hard he can’t kiss properly anymore but he still tries.

“Say it again?”

“I love you.” Tyler says kissing him and pulling him inside the house, “I love you so much” he says again as he begins kissing down Josh’s neck, both of them staggering back against the kitchen counters.

He hoists Josh up to sit on the side and Josh wastes no time taking off his shirt, as Tyler says yet another “I love you” and kisses over his chest.

Josh blushes, a little self conscious of the bruises that still linger on his skin but Tyler doesn’t seem to care as he makes more of his own across Josh’s collarbone.

Josh’s nails scratch Tyler’s scalp as Tyler pulls on Josh’s lower lip with his teeth. And Josh feels his head rush as his legs wrap around Tyler’s waist and he’s being spun around before being carried all the way to the bedroom.

Tyler is rough with him, in a practiced manner, like he knows exactly how to make everything feel so intense Josh feels like he’s going to die but in the best way. Because after all you never really feel more alive than when you're dying, and Josh feels so alive as Tyler thrusts into him, tight grip in Josh’s hair, teeth grazing the hollow of his throat as he cries out in ecstasy.

Tears fall from his eyes and Tyler kisses them away, and slows down and Josh whimpers and tries to hold on but his senses are on fire. Tyler’s everywhere and the hurts so good and he feels so alive that he can’t stop himself falling over the edge, crying out against Tyler’s mouth.

Tyler doesn’t stop and the overstimulation brings more tears to Josh’s eyes and he doesn’t want it to end, but Tyler is quick to tip over the edge himself, watching Josh fall apart leaving him wrecked beyond belief.

They kiss lazily until they’re not panting so hard, both completely exhausted.

“Of all the ways to make me feel alive, that was definitely the best.” Josh huffs out and Tyler laughs.

“Then i guess we’ll just have to keep doing it won’t we.” He teases and Josh nods, rolling over to kiss him yet again.

When they pull apart Tyler’s expression is more serious and Josh looks at him worriedly.

"Promise me you’ll never put yourself in danger like that again? I can’t lose you Josh, I can’t.” Tyler’s voice breaks and Josh can finally see how broken this whole thing has made him. His heart hurts at the sight and he nods furiously as he desperately pulls Tyler’s face towards his in hopes of kissing away the hurt.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I love you and I’ll never leave you okay? You’re the only thing that’s ever made life worth living.” Josh says and Tyler nods taking a shaky breath as they rest their foreheads together.

When their lips finally reconnect Josh realises that maybe you never really feel more alive than when you're kissing the love of your life.


End file.
